


all of these years you've been lonely(knowing not what you should do)

by BooyahFordhamYacht



Series: don't call me lover, it's not enough(zagene oneshots) [4]
Category: Buzzfeed The Try Guys (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Lonely Eugene, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Super Angst, everything's fine in the end, except not really, suspected homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 18:04:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16068437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BooyahFordhamYacht/pseuds/BooyahFordhamYacht
Summary: #20 - things you said i wasn't meant to hearor, eugene never thought he'd end up here. he just wanted to vent to kelsey.





	all of these years you've been lonely(knowing not what you should do)

“And I just… I never thought I’d feel this way, you know? Like, as a kid… I just never saw myself being  _ that guy _ , you know? They guy who literally forgets his line of thought because he sees his  _ crush _ , or whatever. And then… Zach.” Eugene gestures wildly with his hands, trying to find a movement, a wave of his fingers, that might encapsulate the way he feels about Zach. He isn’t sure there’s any way to sum it up in a simple gesture. 

 

Kelsey smiles at him over her glass of wine. Buzzfeed holiday parties are always insane, and the noise of this one has chased Kelsey and Eugene to the balcony, where his slightly tipsy state has brought out emotional Eugene, emotional Eugene who wants only to talk about Zach. Zach, who Eugene has somehow stumbled into love with. 

 

“You love him.”

 

“Yeah.” And Eugene knows that he means it, that he  _ loves  _ Zach like he never thought he could, like he never thought existed. 

 

“How long?” there’s no judgement in Kelsey’s eyes, no investment in this other than her kindness as his friend, and Eugene adores that about her.

 

“I don’t know. Since the beginning, I guess.”

 

“Why didn’t you-” and Eugene doesn’t have to hear the rest of the question to answer it.

 

“It’s  _ Zach _ , Kelsey, he’s my best friend. How could I  _ possibly  _ just say ‘hey, Zach, I know we’re best friends and everything, and that our livelihoods depend on our ability to work together, but I just thought I’d let you know that I’m hopelessly in love with you and I can’t stop thinking about you. Come  _ on,  _ Kelsey.” Eugene’s last few words are a breathy laugh to cover up how badly he wishes he  _ could  _ say just that. But Kelsey’s looking just past him, a shocked look on her face. “Kelsey?” He asks, but when he hears a quiet, familiar  _ oh my god  _ from behind him, he doesn’t even have to turn around to feel the dread start to build. 

 

Zach’s standing there. Zach’s standing there, looking so  _ good _ , but Eugene can’t possibly think about that because he probably just ruined the best friendship he’s ever had and Eugene really thinks he might throw up, gets ready to bolt for the edge of the balcony as he feels the nausea rise. 

 

Zach’s standing there, looking absolutely shocked, and  _ sad _ , for some reason, and immediately Eugene thinks he must be so weirded out by all this that he’s already mourning the loss of their friendship, and Eugene wants to cry, or scream, or throw up, or all of the above, because this is so  _ stupid.  _

 

He’d been  _ fine _ just being Zach’s friend, just laughing with Zach about the times like the lie detector test, laughing where it would have been so easy to just. Be honest. Because Eugene loved Zach, sure, and he’d give anything to be with him, but the idea of losing Zach chased any hope of telling him one day away. 

 

Kelsey leaves in the silence that follows, and Zach stares at Eugene from ten feet away. Eugene feels small like he used to when he was a kid and he could  _ feel  _ his parents hating each other from across the room. 

 

He wants to apologize, but  _ no _ , that’s not right, because how does he apologize for this? Can he? Eugene stands there and he honestly can’t think of a  _ single  _ thing to say, not a word that would make any of this better.  _ Just kidding?  _ No, that would never work, Zach knew him too well for that. 

 

Eugene realizes that he’s just standing, staring at Zach, and that he’s been doing that, silently, for at least a minute. 

 

“You love me?” He speaks before Eugene gets the chance and Zach’s voice shakes.

 

Eugene nods, eyes on the floor. Now that the silence has been broken, Eugene finds even harder to speak. 

 

“What the fuck, Eugene?” and of all the things Eugene had been waiting for,  _ that  _ he had not expected. His eyes meet Zach’s, and the small man is angry in a way that Eugene’s never seen, and he doesn’t know what to do, because he never saw  _ this  _ coming and he feels like he can’t breathe.

 

“I’m sorry?” 

“You should be!”

 

Is this how it ends for them? Four years of friendship come down to this? Zach, offended by the fact that Eugene has fallen in love with him? It’s a strange thing, thinking that you know someone, know their soul and their kindness, and the way they might react to certain things, but then the person you love most in the whole world does  _ this  _ and everything shifts. 

 

Eugene, standing on solid ground, feels like he’s trying to stay balanced in an earthquake. 

 

“Four years.” Zach says, voice quiet and dark. Eugene’s crying, he notices, as tears drip down from his chin into the collar of his shirt. 

 

“I didn’t want to wreck our friendship, I couldn’t help how I feel.” Eugene tries to explain, but it feels like a battle he’s already lost. He hates how vulnerable his voice sounds, and Zach stares at him.

 

“Four  _ years, _ and all this time, you’ve been in love with me?” The incredulous tone in Zach’s voice makes Eugene wish the floor would swallow him whole right there and then, with Khalid blasting over Buzzfeed speakers.

 

Eugene’s running out of things to say, and his heart is  _ breaking  _ in his chest.

 

“I thought I was crazy. I thought I needed to just wait until it passed. But you’re telling me that I spent four  _ years  _ alone, waiting to stop loving you, and this whole time, you loved me too?”

 

Eugene’s ears buzz and he can’t even think. “W-what?” he stutters out, and Zach is staring at Eugene, and for the first time Eugene notices the tears in Zach’s eyes.

 

“I spent four  _ years  _ alone, four  _ years  _ wishing that I could have you, and you… love me?” And then Zach’s smiling. Eugene feels like he can’t move, but he knows what to say now.

 

He nods. 

 

“I love you.”

 

Then Zach is taking the six long strides to Eugene, and his arms are around Eugene’s neck, and Eugene’s around Zach’s waist, face buried in the crook of Zach’s neck.

 

“I thought,” Eugene is still crying, and he can’t say it.

 

“I know,” Zach breathes. “You could  _ never  _ lose me.”

 

When Zach pulls back, Eugene takes the chance, takes the fall. He leans in, and he kisses Zach. Kisses Zach like he’s wanted to since he’d met him.

 

Afterwards, saying it is easier than it’s ever been for Eugene.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”


End file.
